Grief for the holidays

It’s hard to look at the calendar and not be reminded that Christmas Eve will mark exactly four months since my dad’s funeral. There’s going to be an enormous gap in the family holiday celebration this year, and in fact every year from now on.

But for what it’s worth, we are far from alone in having grief as an uninvited guest for the holidays.

Although the cultural expectation is that this is supposed to be a joyful time of the year, the reality is otherwise for anyone dealing with death, illness, financial difficulties, divorce, homelessness, or other forms of loss.

We shouldn’t need to be reminded of this, but somehow we often do anyway. And it seems many of us need outside advice on how to cope – or, for those who aren’t anticipating that their own holidays might be difficult, advice on how to be sensitive toward family and friends who are.

My email inbox has been filling up since October with suggestions on everything from getting through the holidays while undergoing cancer treatment to coping after a natural disaster. A half-hour on the Internet  turned up even more advice and insight, much of it from experts on grief.

If there’s one message to be gleaned from all this information, it would perhaps be this: Expect your emotions to be near the surface and expect that it will be hard at times, but concentrate on how you can make the holidays both manageable and meaningful in spite of what you’re dealing with.

Caroline Flohr, who lives in suburban Seattle and recently published “Heaven’s Child,” a memoir about the sudden death of her 16-year-old daughter, Sarah, has this to say: “Through the web of pain, I have been amazed by the power of family, love and faith in  healing.”

Have faith in your own inner strength and be appreciative of what you have, she writes.

From a grief counselor: Try to avoid comparing your situation with that of other people who are together and enjoying the holidays; no family gathering is perfect or stress-free.

Alan Wolfelt, the founder of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colo., and a noted author and counselor, suggests that rather than allowing well-meaning friends and family to prescribe how they think you should spend the holiday, focus instead on what would be meaningful to you.

What about the thousands of people for whom health challenges will be an unavoidable part of the holidays? Deborah Cornwall, a leadership volunteer for the American Cancer Society and author of a new book, “Things I Wish I’d Known: Cancer Caregivers Speak Out,” sums it up this way: “Keep it festive. Keep it simple. Keep it social. Keep it positive.”

Having cancer or being a caregiver for someone with cancer (or any other major or chronic disease, for that matter) is often overwhelming, so look for normalcy, she advises. This might mean focusing on a few traditional activities, such as baking and decorating cookies, that are most important to you and skipping the rest. Make togetherness the priority – and find time to laugh, Cornwall suggests.

Those who haven’t yet experienced grief or illness or hardship during the holidays may want to be helpful but don’t know what to say or do.

Again, the experts come to the rescue with some important tips: Don’t judge. Don’t give advice that hasn’t been asked for. Be present and listen. Rather than waiting to be asked or making vague offers of help, take the initiative and offer to help in ways that are specific and practical, such as bringing over dinner or shoveling snow off the sidewalk.

In the days and weeks after Dad died, it was often the little things that mattered most – the cards, the phone calls, the neighbors who brought food, the people who took the time to share their memories of him.

Studies on coping with grief and adversity mostly point to the same conclusion: Support from other people matters, and an essential part of the recovery process is the construction of meaning out of loss. Even though the holidays are often a serious test of people’s emotional fortitude, at the same time it can be an opportunity for the sick, the struggling and the bereaved to become more resilient.